Positive Discipline Chapter 7 Tidbits

Autonomy vs. Doubt & Shame: "I Can Stand On My Own Two Feet (But Don't Abandon Me!)"

What happens when parents don't allow toddlers to explore, or slap their children's hands when they touch something they aren't supposed to? They may develop a sense of shame. Well-meaning parents who have not learned about this important developmental phase may not know that too much confinement and punishment can instill doubt and shame instead of a sense of autonomy. Notice we said a SENSE of autonomy - not autonomy itself. A healthy sense of autonomy is critical in healthy development; it is autonomy that gives a child confidence and the ability to pursue his own ideas and plans. A strong sense of trust developed in the first year and a strong sense of autonomy developed in the second and third years build the foundation for a healthy self-worth.

Encouraging Autonomy Without Being Permissive

The development of autonomy requires a lot of freedom within safe boundaries so they can begin that important journey toward independence. Again, autonomy doesn't mean children should be allowed to do anything they want. Make your home environment safe for a child to explore. Just remember this is the age for supervision. Self-restraint will come later. Young children are developmentally programmed to explore and lack impulse control. If you ignore developmental needs and limitations, stress is most likely the result. The accompanying conflict and power struggles will not create a sense of healthy autonomy. Once the home is child-proofed, there will still be many things a child isn't allowed to do, so put those out of reach if you can, to provide a safe and exploration-friendly environment. Put boundaries on what your child can reach and offer something appropriate to explore instead. Remember, your child wouldn't be normal if he didn't want to explore, so it doesn't make sene to spank or slap for doing something developmentally appropriate.

Teaching Toddlers

Focus on connection and relationship, and use respectful actions to teach about skills and limits when dealing with age-appropriate behavior. Learn to see every problem as an opportunity for helping your child develop a sense of self-worth and important life skills. You can absolutely teach a toddler. Encourage autonomy by asking questions, and encourage your toddler to ask questions, too. Skip the lectures. They invite avoidance or resistance, while questions invite thinking and participation. Toddlers can understand more than they can verbalize. Asking questions helps with their language development, their thinking skills and their sense of autonomy.

Rather than saying 'No!' or 'Don't touch that!' from across the room, get up and go to your child. Make eye contact, then use kind, firm ACTION to move him away from forbidden or dangerous objects. Relying on words alone often teaches children that they can safely ignore you. After all, there's not much you can do from across the room. Offer a substitute or choice of substitutes when there's something he can't have. Toddlers can learn to put on their pajamas by themselves with or without your help, as well as other life skills. If you have to be on the phone or something else where you can't give your undivided attention to your child, pull out a special toy or baskets that only come out during those times. Distraction does not damage his self-esteem or self-confidence the way spanking and shaming can. It does let him know that some things are acceptable and some things aren't.

Understanding the importance of this developmental age can help parents learn the skills and provide the atmosphere that encourage children to acquire important competency skills that will serve them all their lives. Parents can also interact with their children (most of the time) in ways that invite them to make healthy decisions about themselves, others and their world. Teaching, loving and acting respectfully most of the time is really enough.

The Triple A's of Autonomy

Attitude

1. Change your perception. Recognize your child's developmental abilities, then calm yourself before responding.
2. Recognize your child's limited understanding. "No" is an abstract concept and one that toddlers do not fully understand.
3. Accept that developmental timetables differ. Each child will develop in his own unique way.
4. Value the PROCESS, not only the PRODUCT. Make time to enjoy getting there or doing something, instead of focusing on the destination or outcome.

Atmosphere

1. Provide practice. Accept that skill practice can be messy. Support mastery by making tasks child-friendly with scaled-down implements and small, easy steps. Remember, your child is growing brain connections.
2. Encourage thinking. Involve your child in planning by asking "what" and "how" questions.
3. Allow appropriate power. Provide choices and reasonable chances to say no.
4. Avoid power struggles. Give a hug instead of engaging in "yes" and "no" shouting matches.

Action

1. Be kind and firm. Follow through by doing what you say you will do.
2. Teach by doing. Talk less, avoid lectures - act instead.
3. Show children what to do instead of what not to do. Again, avoid lectures and teach by modeling appropriate behavior.
4. Offer limited choices (that are acceptable).
5. Use redirection and distraction - as many times as it takes.

Tools for Developing a Healthy Autonomy

• Provide security and opportunities to explore.
• Remove dangerous objects and create safe boundaries, then let go and allow your child to investigate his world.
• Use distraction, redirection, and kind, firm action to guide your toddler's behavior rather than slapping, spanking or words alone.
• Allow your toddler to run, climb, and develop healthy muscles in a safe space.
• Recognize the difference between your child's WANTS and NEEDS; you should always respond to his needs, but wants provide opportunities for him to learn character and life skills.
• Focus on connection, love and relationship.