A New First

I haven't had as much time for pictures or postings these days as I once did, mainly because I'm getting up throughout the night to feed the baby. So, when Joshua lays down for a nap, so do I. It's the only way I keep my sanity.

Today, however, he did something that amazed me that I thought I would write about since I'm printing out his blog for his baby book to let him know how much I loved him from the moment he was conceived. I was down in the family room feeding Caleb and Joshua was playing. All the sudden he came over to me and anxiously said "Poo-poo!" I asked him if he had gone poo-poo and he said 'okay!' like he normally does when we've communicated. However, I didn't smell anything so I thought maybe he had just passed some gas. Instead, I realized in a few minutes that he was telling me he had to go poo-poo! Unfortunately, I missed the opportunity because I was feeding Caleb and didn't understand this was what Joshua meant. So, I had to change another diaper. But, in the meantime, we bought some small M&M's as rewards and I'm going to start trying to put him on the potty this weekend when Daddy's here to help. He loves to sit on it clothed, especially if we're in the bathroom on the regular potty. So, now it's time to start showing him the unclothed version. My little boy is growing up!

Three Weeks Old

We've survived the first three weeks! I've been out of the hospital for over two weeks and am healing well. I also survived my first day of being alone with the boys yesterday, and I think it went better than I expected. I started by taking them for a walk, Caleb in the Snuggli and Bean in the stroller. Then we played in the garage (Joshua's favorite hang out) and our backyard, where Joshua & I played ball and he swung at golf balls. We also sat down for meals, and I got some time to play with Joshua while Caleb was content sitting in the boppy pillow. Our only real issues are when I'm feeding Caleb. Those are the moments that Joshua is just dying to be held. So, please pray for us both that we can get into more of a routine. Today, on the other hand, has not been so easy. I guess we'll have days that are good and bad!

This morning Caleb sneezed and Joshua went over to him and said something that I didn't hear right away. I said to Joshua, "What?" and he replied "BLESS YOU!" much louder. How cute! I'm amazed by the connections he makes everyday. I love both my boys very much.

Positive Discipline Chapter 7 Tidbits

Autonomy vs. Doubt & Shame: "I Can Stand On My Own Two Feet (But Don't Abandon Me!)"

What happens when parents don't allow toddlers to explore, or slap their children's hands when they touch something they aren't supposed to? They may develop a sense of shame. Well-meaning parents who have not learned about this important developmental phase may not know that too much confinement and punishment can instill doubt and shame instead of a sense of autonomy. Notice we said a SENSE of autonomy - not autonomy itself. A healthy sense of autonomy is critical in healthy development; it is autonomy that gives a child confidence and the ability to pursue his own ideas and plans. A strong sense of trust developed in the first year and a strong sense of autonomy developed in the second and third years build the foundation for a healthy self-worth.

Encouraging Autonomy Without Being Permissive

The development of autonomy requires a lot of freedom within safe boundaries so they can begin that important journey toward independence. Again, autonomy doesn't mean children should be allowed to do anything they want. Make your home environment safe for a child to explore. Just remember this is the age for supervision. Self-restraint will come later. Young children are developmentally programmed to explore and lack impulse control. If you ignore developmental needs and limitations, stress is most likely the result. The accompanying conflict and power struggles will not create a sense of healthy autonomy. Once the home is child-proofed, there will still be many things a child isn't allowed to do, so put those out of reach if you can, to provide a safe and exploration-friendly environment. Put boundaries on what your child can reach and offer something appropriate to explore instead. Remember, your child wouldn't be normal if he didn't want to explore, so it doesn't make sene to spank or slap for doing something developmentally appropriate.

Teaching Toddlers

Focus on connection and relationship, and use respectful actions to teach about skills and limits when dealing with age-appropriate behavior. Learn to see every problem as an opportunity for helping your child develop a sense of self-worth and important life skills. You can absolutely teach a toddler. Encourage autonomy by asking questions, and encourage your toddler to ask questions, too. Skip the lectures. They invite avoidance or resistance, while questions invite thinking and participation. Toddlers can understand more than they can verbalize. Asking questions helps with their language development, their thinking skills and their sense of autonomy.

Rather than saying 'No!' or 'Don't touch that!' from across the room, get up and go to your child. Make eye contact, then use kind, firm ACTION to move him away from forbidden or dangerous objects. Relying on words alone often teaches children that they can safely ignore you. After all, there's not much you can do from across the room. Offer a substitute or choice of substitutes when there's something he can't have. Toddlers can learn to put on their pajamas by themselves with or without your help, as well as other life skills. If you have to be on the phone or something else where you can't give your undivided attention to your child, pull out a special toy or baskets that only come out during those times. Distraction does not damage his self-esteem or self-confidence the way spanking and shaming can. It does let him know that some things are acceptable and some things aren't.

Understanding the importance of this developmental age can help parents learn the skills and provide the atmosphere that encourage children to acquire important competency skills that will serve them all their lives. Parents can also interact with their children (most of the time) in ways that invite them to make healthy decisions about themselves, others and their world. Teaching, loving and acting respectfully most of the time is really enough.

The Triple A's of Autonomy

Attitude

1. Change your perception. Recognize your child's developmental abilities, then calm yourself before responding.
2. Recognize your child's limited understanding. "No" is an abstract concept and one that toddlers do not fully understand.
3. Accept that developmental timetables differ. Each child will develop in his own unique way.
4. Value the PROCESS, not only the PRODUCT. Make time to enjoy getting there or doing something, instead of focusing on the destination or outcome.

Atmosphere

1. Provide practice. Accept that skill practice can be messy. Support mastery by making tasks child-friendly with scaled-down implements and small, easy steps. Remember, your child is growing brain connections.
2. Encourage thinking. Involve your child in planning by asking "what" and "how" questions.
3. Allow appropriate power. Provide choices and reasonable chances to say no.
4. Avoid power struggles. Give a hug instead of engaging in "yes" and "no" shouting matches.

Action

1. Be kind and firm. Follow through by doing what you say you will do.
2. Teach by doing. Talk less, avoid lectures - act instead.
3. Show children what to do instead of what not to do. Again, avoid lectures and teach by modeling appropriate behavior.
4. Offer limited choices (that are acceptable).
5. Use redirection and distraction - as many times as it takes.

Tools for Developing a Healthy Autonomy

• Provide security and opportunities to explore.
• Remove dangerous objects and create safe boundaries, then let go and allow your child to investigate his world.
• Use distraction, redirection, and kind, firm action to guide your toddler's behavior rather than slapping, spanking or words alone.
• Allow your toddler to run, climb, and develop healthy muscles in a safe space.
• Recognize the difference between your child's WANTS and NEEDS; you should always respond to his needs, but wants provide opportunities for him to learn character and life skills.
• Focus on connection, love and relationship.

Brothers

" A Baby!" Joshua proclaims.I will be a good big brother and sit right next to him.Sometimes I'm not thrilled that he gets attention.But for the most part I'm just intrigued by this little guy that toots, cries and coos.Mommy is so proud of me for being such a good big brother.We will be friends for life.

Bath Time at the Good Household

Joshua & Daddy were playing outside tonight as I was feeding Caleb. When Joshua came in, he came running up to me and said "UP!" As I held him in my arms, I realized that he was muddy and WET! I have no idea what they were doing out there, but it was bath time for sure. Caleb also needed a bath, so Daddy bathed the Bean in our tub and I gave Caleb a sponge bath on the changing table in the nursery.
I love the picture above. Joshua knows he's not allowed to stand on his chair, but he so badly wants to see Caleb when he's laying in the crib making noise. So, he smiled quickly for the camera like "I'm not doing anything? Would a boy with a face this sweet do something bad?"
Caleb looked shocked! He has the best faces. I can't believe how expressive he already is for being just over two weeks old. I also loved his fuzzy little hair after his bath.
He's really a good baby and only cries when we put him down, which is problematic for getting anything done. But, I'll try to enjoy it while it lasts. I'm also trying to find ways to include Joshua as I hold Caleb and vice versa. I've been known to have both boys on my lap at the same time.Daddy put Joshua's PJ bottoms on and left off his shirt so the "lotion could dry" (in his words). I love Bean's fuzzy little hair, too. My precious boys take after their Daddy. And I love all three of them!Who knew bathtime could be so fun?

Happy Belated 22 Months!

I feel so bad that I forgot to post a Happy 22-month birthday to my sweet boy last Friday! I had thought about it all week, but when Friday came, I completely forgot. Joshua had a fun "birthday" playing outside with Grandma during the day and Daddy at night, so I'm sure he didn't miss the typical 'photo shoot' I take of him once a month. We made up for it today!
I heard back from Early Intervention on the tracking questionnaire I filled out. Joshua ranked fine in everything but communication, where he scored a little lower than average. I talked about it with the coordinator, and she's going to send me a book on things I can do to work with him on his communication. And, we get another tracking survey at his 2-year birthday, which is coming up shortly in September. So, we'll see how he ranks at that point and then if he still is behind, we'll seek help.
I remember our physical therapist saying that kids often excel in one thing or the other (physical or verbal) and then when they catch up in the other, the first thing lacks for a little while until they put it all together. So, he was originally advanced verbally and behind physically, now he's pretty well caught up physically and a little behind verbally, so I'm believing that both will come together soon.
The things I love about Joshua are his sweet disposition, the fact that he LOVES music and he likes to be held. He adores being outside, spending time with his Daddy and learning new things. He's still not a big eater, but I think he looks normal for his age.
We love you, sweetie! We're celebrating 22 months of the wonderful little boy God has created you to be!

It Was Like He Never Existed

The day before yesterday I was writing thank you cards for gifts we've received for Caleb and our family. I asked Shawn to hand me any book to give me a solid surface, and he just happened to grab the "Devotions for Sacred Parenting" by Gary L. Thomas. I didn't take it as coincidence so after I was finished writing out the cards, I opened to the next devotional and read it. It spoke to me...a lot. So, I copied the excerpt below.

"It was Like He Never Existed"

What does a man gain from all his labor at which he toils under the sun? Ecclesiastes 1:3

"It was like he never existed."I looked at Ernie as he spoke these words and saw the gentle grace of a life well lived. He had worked hard to support his family, and now in retirement he was pouring his energies into building up the men's ministry of his church.

Ernie chose early retirement in part because of something that occured just a few years before he left. He worked for one of the most stable and famous companies in the U.S. Until the late 80s, if you could land a job with this company, you pretty much figured you had a job for life. They paid well but demanded a lot out of their workers.

"We gave our lives to the company," Ernie said. "They took care of us, but they expected us to organize our lives around our work. If we ever said no, even once, we'd be taken off the track of promotion and kept in a vocational eddy for the rest of our careers. So we got to work early and stayed late."

One of Ernie's co-workers was a younger man in his late forties who had worked side by side with Ernie for years. One morning the man failed to arrive at work, and Ernie assumed he was sick - until a call came from his wife at 8:30 a.m. with the shocking news that the man had died. His heart had stopped while he was eating breakfast.

"They chose his replacement that afternoon," Ernie said, "and the man was on the job early the next morning - less than 24 hours after his predecessor was pronounced dead. We spent about 15 minutes giving the new guy a quick orientation, but he was familiar with what we were doing so it didn't take much. Everything ran incredibly smoothly."

Ernie paused, gazing out the windshield, before he went on. "None of the other co-workers went to the guy's funeral. They knew the guy but didn't know his family, so they figured it didn't matter much. After he was buried, as far as the company was concerned, it was like he never existed. He gave his entire life to the company, coming in early and working late, but the company didn't miss a step - not a single step - once he died. It's terrible to say this, but in a way, the company was less inconvenienced by his death than if he had taken a two-week vacation."

Ernie took me back to my hotel after a speaking engagement and dropped me off, but his words remained with me. The next day, I walked in the front door of my home, heard the familiar cry, "Papa!" and soon felt three pairs of arms around my legs and waist. We went for a walk, and Graham, who was then just four years old, held my wife's hand and mine at the same time, proudly proclaiming, "Now the whole family is together!" He kissed Lisa's hand then mine. Kelsey, then just two, got a big smile on her face when she looked back at me and called out, "Papa's home!"

Ernie's words, "It was like he never existed," hovered over me. I believe they may have been a significant factor in my decision to become self-employed.

I had that talk with Ernie more than a decade ago, but his insight will remain with me for the rest of my life. Many people clamor for our attention, but only a few make room for us in their hearts. To some our absence amounts to mere inconvenience; to others it feels like a devastating spiritual, emotional and relational black hole.

Which group will get our best thoughts, our most earnest energy, and the most productive hours of our lives? I guess it comes down to this: Whom do I really want to disappoint with my no? The kids whose faces light up when they see me? The wife who will be there for me, whether I'm making megabucks, retired or unemployed? Or a business that views me as an efficient useful cog that meets its needs at the moment, whlie seeing me as utterly replaceable?

I'm not antibusiness - not by any means. God uses businessess, large and small, to feed many families. But the truth is, we matter more to our families than we may realize and probably less to our employers than we'd like to admit.

Let's reward those whose affection is genuine and sincere.

I cried a lot after reading this passage (although the water works haven't really stopped since I gave birth, truly). I thought about the many times that I put Joshua down and tried to make him play by himself so I could write copy. I always wanted to beat the deadlines given to me so that I'd get more work. But, the truth is that when other more seasoned copywriters were available, I'd hear nothing from the company, no matter how much I'd try to go the extra mile. And poor Joshua would be begging for my attention... It makes me so sad to think of my mixed-up priorities. I so wanted to help Shawn with making enough money to pay our bills. And, while it's important that we do meet our bills - and I do LOVE to write, especially for the company I used to work for - Joshua should always come first, no matter what the deadline. Cleaning the house, doing laundry, cooking, yardwork, school work, writing and other things can all come later. Shawn would constantly tell me this, but I thought he was trying to be sweet. Instead, he was speaking wisdom.

May the Lord always remind me that my children will only be little for a short while. They'll only want held by their mama for a little bit yet. They'll grow so fast and we'll miss the important moments, including the teaching moments, if we're pursuing careers and perfection in our lives. Joshua already seems so big to me compared to Caleb! May my little Bean forgive me where I've tried to do the right thing and picked the wrong. I love my family with all my heart!

AMEN!

This afternoon Shawn warmed up leftovers for our lunch. We sat down at the table and began to eat when Joshua said something that I can't remember because at first we weren't paying much attention. Finally Daddy said, "What would you like Joshua?" Thinking he wanted some of the food on Daddy's plate, Shawn offered Joshua a bite of his food even though it was the same thing on Joshua's plate. The Bean shook his head no. Then he put out his hand to hold and sort of quietly mumbled. Shawn and I looked at each other in amazement and said "PRAYERS!" We had forgotten to thank God for our food. But, Joshua didn't forget. Shawn took his hand and mine and prayed a blessing over our meal. After he said "Amen!" so did Joshua (as usual) and then the Bean began to eat. We were impressed to say the least. Aren't kids so wonderful and so amazing? God brings them into our lives for us to teach them and yet I think we learn so much in the process.

Again at bedtime, Joshua lifted up his hands to Daddy's for prayers (I was feeding Caleb at the moment Joshua said "Night night? Okay?" signaling that he was tired and ready for bed). Daddy immediately knew what Joshua meant this time. I love that Joshua loves to pray. My sweet boy! My prayer is that he has the faith to move mountains, that his decisions and life are guided by God's word and the Holy Spirit, that Jesus would live inside his heart and Joshua would love the Lord his God with all his might and love his neighbor as himself. I pray the same thing for Caleb. May our entire family (including us) honor God with all they think, say and do.

Happy Birthday!

A big happy birthday wish to my precious mom! I think she looks very young. Thank you for taking care of Joshua the week we were in the hospital. He had a great time!

Mom was so sweet to cancel her vacation plans with her family to come home and stay with Joshua while we were welcoming Caleb into the world. She also took two days off work this week to play with the Bean while I was recovering. She bought me some nursing tanks and toys for the Bean as well as a few other items I needed, which is so sweet. She's been a super big help! Joshua loves his "Ma-maw." I'm sure Caleb will, too.
Mom has a way of just knowing what needs done and doing it...from putting on a new vacuum bag to throwing laundry in the washer to taking Joshua outside to play. She's been a God-send, which has been true my whole life. She's become more than my mom; she's also my friend.
Also a happy birthday to her "twin," my niece Emma who turns three years old today. Hope you both have a special happy day!

First Bath

On Wednesday, Caleb got his first sponge bath since we've been home from the hospital. His belly button cord also fell off that afternoon. So many firsts for one little guy!
He also had another doctor's appointment yesterday to check his weight since this is my first time nursing. He now weighs 7 lbs 10 oz, which was a gain of 5 oz in three days. So, they think he's doing well. Hooray! Before today he's been eating every two hours during the day and every three-four at night, and he goes a full 40 minutes so I'd say we're doing well. But, it's good to hear the pediatrician confirm it. We don't have to go in again until his one-month well check-up. She did, however, agree with me that he still looks yellow (especially for him being nine days old yesterday) and ordered a follow-up billy rubin check just to make sure everything was okay. But, a different doctor called me back with the results and said everything looks fine. So, we'll just pray that his color goes back to normal soon and that I don't worry about every little thing. I'm so thankful for my two little boys!

Thank you for your prayers

The night that I posted about Joshua's sadness, he came right up to me and said 'HUG!' and threw his arms open and gave me a big squeeze. I bawled and squeezed him back and lifted him into my arms. At bedtime, he gave me a rather lengthy book that he normally won't sit through and listened to every last word. We said prayers and then I offered for him to go 'night night' to which he responded 'rock!' So, we continued rocking as I sang songs to him and we snuggled. I was so blessed. He seems to be over his resentment for the most part; although whichever one of us has Caleb is the parent that he wants to be held by at that exact moment. But, he's getting a little more used to the idea each day.

This is Joshua riding the horse from Grandpa Georgia. His legs fit perfectly around it and he motors it all through our house. The funniest thing is that he always "parks" it when he's done by backing it up by the bay window. Then when he wants it again, he goes and gets it and drives it around and then parks it when he's finished. So cute!

Caleb also started sleeping more. (And my paranoia has set in of checking on him all the time since he was always awake before!) The pediatrician said not to go more than four hours between feedings at night. Sometimes it feels like he no more than gets to sleep and I have to wake him to eat, but I know eventually this too shall pass. I remember getting up every few hours with Joshua, but it's a distant memory. Last night Joshua woke up around 4:30am (I was up feeding the baby), and I heard him talking softly in his big boy bed for a few minutes. But, he never left his bed or his room. I was so proud of him! And, I'm proud of Caleb for beginning to sleep like a baby. The trick is that he'll only sleep when being held. I think eventually we'll be able to break this (or at least I hope!). For now I'm glad that he's eating well and we're all starting to do a little better...

Honoring My Amazing Husband

Shawn has been incredible these past few months (or years, I should say!). He's put up with my nesting and even helped around the house preparing for the new baby while still spending time with Joshua.
In the hospital, Shawn took amazing care of me and the baby. My blood pressure had dropped to a fairly dangerous level, and I was vomitting uncontrollably. Shawn held the container and told me it would be okay. He also watched as Caleb was being lifted from my womb, blood and all. And he took pictures of the baby before he was all cleaned up and didn't seem to notice or mind the yuckiness. He then changed all Caleb's diapers when I couldn't get out of bed the first few days. He'd also help me get the baby latched on for feedings when neither Caleb nor I knew what we were doing. (Normally these things would gross Shawn out, but he said it's different when you care about people so much.) These events would happen at all hours of the day or night and he would lovingly wake up, get up and do what needed to be done.Since we've been home, he's done a great job of trying to make Joshua feel important and loved and play with him. He's fixed meals that I pre-made and told me to rest and recover while he's taken care of all the details from emptying trash to running errands for milk, etc. If he's around, he won't let me lift a finger other than to take care of myself and the baby. It's so sweet and exactly what the doctor ordered. I'm sure he's exhausted from working all day and then working all night, but he doesn't complain but selflessly does what's necessary to keep our household running.More than that, he makes us all feel special and loved. It's more than I could have ever asked for. I love you, Shawn Douglas Good, with all my heart. Thank you for being so wonderful!

Got Milk?

A Tribute to the Big Brother

Joshua has done amazingly well with this transition. He's never tried to touch Caleb, let alone hurt him in any way. He just points to him and says "Baby!" He is curious about Caleb eating, though. I think it started when I yelped out in pain as Caleb was latching (they say this, too, shall pass). Joshua came running and looked very confused by the whole situation. I explained that I was giving Caleb some lunch. Joshua said, "eat!" I said "yes, exactly." Then Joshua shook his head. He pointed and said, "drink!" I was amazed. I guess that is a little more accurate after all.

Joshua has been talking more in two-to-three word sentences. He's also repeating everything. Today Grandpa Georgia & Annette are here to play with Joshua, and everything Dad says Joshua repeats. It's really cute to listen to. Annette said in her very southern draw "uh uh uh" and Joshua repeated it. I cracked up! Joshua has been great to play with whoever we had lined up to take care of him from Grandma to Nonie to Grandpa Georgia, and tomorrow my sister Jen is taking him for the day (along with Grandpa Georgia). I pray that he's having a fun time, and I feel blessed that others have stepped in to give him the attention he needs while I can't be on the floor with him, can't be going up and down stairs, can't lift him, etc.

Joshua does seem a little disappointed with me bringing home the new baby. I can just tell. Last night he didn't want me to read him his story and opted to go to bed without it. But, this morning since he didn't remember Dad right away, he came into the nursery where I was feeding the baby and wouldn't leave my side at first. I'm hoping this is the end of the hard feelings. I love my little (now seeming so big!) Bean. It drives me crazy that he's so sad and seems to blame me for this overall change in his life. Someday I know they'll be friends, but right now I'm sure it's rough sharing the attention. My mom said she heard it likened to a husband bringing home another wife to share your clothes and make-up, etc. This brought tears to my eyes. While I know that's a little different, I'm sure that it does feel somewhat hurtful to Joshua to have this new little life here. Yet he still has this gentle spirit and is so good around the baby.

Joshua has also been getting up in the middle of the night again. Last night he caught me at the end of the feeding going back into our room, so I laid down the baby and then went and put him back to bed. He cried for awhile but finally fell asleep again. He was doing so well. But, I think he's wondering if we're still here in the middle of the night and comes over just to make sure. He's not throwing a fit, he just seems sad when we don't pick him up.

Overall, he's doing a great job given the circumstances. He doesn't understand why mommy cries (although truly, who really understands hormones???) and why this new baby has been getting attention. But, other than a few fits, he's doing better than I expected. What a great big brother!

One Week Old

Happy one week birthday, Caleb Luke Good! He was in the 50th percentile for weight (much less than Dr. Bayliss said he was on track for), and the 55th for height and head circumference. So, we have the perfectly average baby!

However, nothing else about him is average. I've never seen a newborn who stays awake like Caleb. I'm not exaggerating when I say that he only napped today when Joshua did (thank God, too, because I laid down for an hour!). He will only sleep if he's being held. And, he's so strong. He roots all the time, and has blisters on both hands from sucking them all the time. He also sucks fiercely on his pacifier and I've been feeding him every two hours, which takes him about 40 minutes+ to do. He kicks out of his swaddling with his strong little legs. Oh, my strong boy! I wish you would sleep like a normal new born.
He's also amazingly alert in that he will watch his brother and seems to recognize when it's me holding him vs. someone else. The pediatrician said that at a month we can try to start getting him into a schedule. But, for now with him so young, we answer the minute he cries (or as soon as physically possible) to teach him that he can trust us. Please pray for us all!