Positive Discipline: Chapter 6

Chapter 6: Trust Vs. Mistrust: "Can I Count On You?"

• To develop a sense of trust, a baby must learn that he can rely on the affections and support of others, so he needs to have his basic needs met consistently and lovingly.
• A neglected baby will develop a sense of mistrust; but so will a baby who is extremely pampered because he has never had to learn patience and self-reliance.Help your infant develop a sense of trust:
• 1 - Meet all your baby's needs in the first three months of his life.
• 2 - Learn the difference between needs and wants.
• 3 - Avoid pampering (have faith in children to handle not receiving all their wants).
• 4 - Learn about developmental needs (social, intellectual and physical).
• 5 - Learn parenting skills (including long-range results of what you do).
• 6 - Have confidence and trust in yourself.
• 7 - Enjoy Your child.
• Don't worry about spoiling a baby the first three months. It's next to impossible. As your baby grows, however, you will need to pay attention to what he is learning and deciding about you, about himself and about what "works" to achieve a sense of belonging and connection.
• A study found that a primary factor in the development of a child's trust is his sense that his primary caretaker - usually his mother - has confidence in herself.
• The four pillars of security are people, place, routine and ritual. When these things are stable, a child feels secure.
• For a child to develop trust, life must become predictable, and that is the role of routines. Establishing routines forms an important part of a parent and child's first months and years together. By the age of three months, most babies have settled into routines.
• Rituals add texture to life and define it as they contribute to a child's experience of a predictable world. Such things as mom always blowing kisses on a baby's tummy before bath time or Dad singing "twinkle, twinkle" every night become patterns that help little ones make sense of their days and nights.

Doin' the Potty Dance

• Enjoy your children and yourself. Your baby will sense your worry and doubt, and his growing sense of trust may be hindered. Use this opportunity to increase trust in yourself, remembering that it is not helpful to take mistakes too seriously. It IS helpful to learn from them with gratitude. When this learning is built upon the foundation of enjoyment, awareness and education, confidence will filter through your heart and you'll know what to do.
• We suggest you forget about being the perfect housekeeper or other things that make you feel overly stressed or rob you of your time to enjoy your children (discuss your priorities with your partner). Children often become fussy when their parents are upset. They also sense when we enjoy them and know when we don't. How can infants develop a sense of trust if they don't feel the energy of enjoyment from their parents or caregivers, knowing that they are loved, wanted and appreciated? When your child is an infant, make sure your eyes light up when you walk into his presence - and continue this practice for the rest of his life.
• Ask yourself this question when circumstances get in the way of simply enjoying your children: "What difference will this make ten years from now?" Whether or not the house is clean, the lawn is mowed or the furniture is waxed won't make any difference; on the other hand, time you spend with your partner and your children will make all the difference in the world.