Positive Discipline the First Three Years

One of the books I bought from the Mommies & Me group is called "Positive Discipline the First Three Years." I started reading it yesterday now that the semester is over, and I thought I would share some interesting tidbits from my reading of the first chapter.

• What is Positive Discipline? Positive Discpline has nothing to do with punishment and everything to do with teaching and guidance. As you will learn, much of what your little one does in these early years has more to do with emotional, physical, and cognitive development and age-appropriate behavior than it does with "misbehavior." Discipline with very young children is mostly deciding about what you will do (and kindly and firmly following through) than with what you expect your child to do. And it's never too early to lay a foundation for respectful, effective parenting. Positive discipline (from the Latin root disciplina, which means 'teaching; learning') is about teaching, understanding, encouraging and communicating - not about punishing.


• Questions to ask yourself: 1) How do I help my child learn respect, cooperation and problem solving skills? 2) How do I help my child feel capable? 3) How do I help my child feel belonging and significance? 4) How do I get into my child's world and understand the developmental process? and 5) How can I use problems as opportunities for learning - for my child and for me?


• The building blocks of positive discipline include: mutual respect, understanding the belief behind the behavior, understanding child development and age-appropriateness, effective communication, discpline that teaches valuable skills and attitudes, focusing on solutions instead of punishment, encouragement, children do better when they feel better.

• From his earliest moments, your child has four basic needs (in addition to food, shelter, care and security): A sense of belonging and significance, perceptions of capability, personal power and autonomy, and social and life skills.
• A Sense of Belonging & Significance: Sadly, children often "misbehave" in situations where they have lost their sense of belonging or connection. Discipline that is kind and firm at the same time balances security and boundaries with the love and respect children need so much these early years. Young children's misbehavior is a sort of "code" designed to let you know that they don't feel a sense of belonging and need your attention, connection, time and teaching. When you create a sense of belonging and signficance for every member of your family, your home becomes a place of peace, respect and safety.
• Perceptions of Capability: If you do too much for your toddler (in the name of love), he will form the belief that he is not capable. Words alone are not powerful enough to build a sense of competence and confidence in children. Capability comes from experiences of accomplishment and self-sufficiency, and from developing solid skills.
• Personal Power and Autonomy: Some of this behavior [of strong willed children] is developmentally appropriate and age-appropriate, as children explore and experiment to discover who they are and what they can do. Part of your job as a parent will be to help direct your toddler to learn to channel his power in positive directions - kind and firm distraction and redirection until he is old enough to help solve problems, to learn life skills and to respect and cooperate with others.
• Social and Life Skills: True self-esteem does not come from being loved, praised or showered with goodies; it comes from having skills that provide a sense of capability and resiliency to handle the ups and downs and disappointments of life. [Allow your child to go with you throughout your day to 'help' you and mimick you so they can learn...]

• Methods that Invite Cooperation: 1) Get children involved! Instead of telling children what to do, find ways to involve them in creating routines and to draw out what they think and perceive. Also remember to give your children choices [that are acceptable to you.]
• 2) Create Routines: Young children learn best by repetition and consistency. You can ease the transition into autonomy by creating reliable routines for your little one. Routines can be created for every event that happens over and over: getting up, bedtime, dinner, shopping, and so on. As soon as your child is old enough, get him involved in helping to create routine charts. Once he's older, he'll love telling you what's next on the routine chart.
• 3) Offer Chioces: Having choices gives children a sense of power and invites a child to use his thinking skills as he contemplates what do do.
• 4) Provide Opportunities to Help
• 5) Teach Respect by Being Respectful
• 6) Use Your Sense of Humor: Learn to laugh together and to create games to get unpleasant jobs done quickly.
• 7) Get Into Your Child's World: Understanding your toddler's developmental needs and limitations is critical to parenting in the first three yearsa of life. Be empathetic when your child cries (or has a temper tantrum). He may just be frustrated with his lack of abilities. Empathy does not mean giving in, for if you pamper your child he won't have the opportunity to learn from experience that he can survive disappointment. Getting into his world means seeing the world from his perspective and recognizing his abilities - and his limitations. Occasionally ask yourself how you might be feeling (and acting) if you were your child. It can be illuminating to view the world through a smaller person's eyes.
• 8) If You Say It, Mean It, and If You Mean It, Follow Through With Kind and Firm Action: the fewer words you say, the better. This may mean redirecting your child to show him what he can do instead of punishing him for what he can't. It also might mean worldessly removing a child from a situation, rather than getting into an argument or battle of the wills. When this is done kindly, firmly and without anger or words, it will be both respectful and effective.
• 9) Be Patient: Understand that you may need to teach your child many things over and over before he is developmentally ready to understand. For example, sharing...when he refuses to share, rest assured this doesn't mean he will be forever selfish. Don't take your child's behavior personally and think your child is mad at you, bad or defiant.
• 10) Provide Lots of Supervision, Distraction and Redirection: Remember that children develop differently and will have different strengths. Expecting from a child what he cannot give will only frustrate both of you. Think of yourself as a coach...and as an observer, learning who your child is as a unique human being. Watch carefully as you introduce new opportunities and activities; discover what your child is interested in, what your child can do by himself, and what he needs help learning from you.

• Rethink "Time Out" - time-out can be an extremely effective way of helping a child (and a parent!) calm down enough to solve problems together when they are both rational. Time-out is an effective and appropriate parenting tool when it is positive and not punitive, and is used to teach, encourage and sooth. Time outs should NOT be used with children under the age of three and a half to four years of age. Until the age of reason, supervision and distraction are the most effective parenting tools. Even when children reach the beginning stages of reason, they do not have the maturity and judgement to make logical decisions. You wouldn't let your child play near a busy street alone because they 'should know better.' This is why young children need constant supervision and removal, kindly and firmly, from what they can't do and guidance to an activity they can do. Children do better when they feel better. If you do choose to use a time out, think of a calming, soothing place that you and your child can go to together - perhaps with his favorite blanket, toy or music. No, this is not rewarding misbehavior. It is understanding that children do better when they feel better.
• No parenting tool works all the time. Be sure to have more than just 'time-out' in your toolbox. There is never one tool - or three, or even ten - that is effective for every situation and every child.
• Always remember your child's development and capabilities. Understanding what is (and is not) age appropriate behavior will help you not to expect things that are beyond the ability of your child.

• Let the Message of Love Get Through: You know you love your child, but does he know that you offer discipline, skills and teaching because you love him? Even the most effective nonpunitive parenting tools must be used in an atmosphere of love, of unconditional acceptance and belonging. Your child will do better when he feels better, and he will feel better when he lives in a world of kindness and firmness that creates an atmosphere of love and belonging.