Interesting Tidbits from Positive Discipline Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Getting to Know Your Young Child

One of the first and most important challenges in parenting your baby or toddler is understanding what his world looks and feels like. One of the best ways of becoming an effective parent - or, for that matter, an effective human being - is to understand the perceptions of other people, to be able to "get into their world."

Children are a product of both nature and nurture and also bring into the world something uniquely their own; their own spirit and identity. These factors, combined with the individual decisions they make along the way about what they must do to survive or thrive, will form their personalities.

A child learns about the world by doing and playing.

A child's developmental need to explor and experiment may be labeled as misbehavior. Children need secure, loving boundaries in order to feel safe. Still, any self-respecting child will feel obliged to cruise up to the boundaries you've set and test them occasionally, just to make sure they're firmly in place. He's not deliberately trying to drive you insane; he's either exploring at his age-appropriate level or learning about consistency and whether or not adults mean what they say (another version of trust).

Often adults fail to realize that they simply can't reason with a toddler and spend more time talking than acting. No matter how well you use them, words are sounds without real substance to young children. Actions, like removing a child from a forbidden temptation by picking him up and carrying him to another location, provide a clear message. Is all this testing annoying? Of course! Frustrating? Absolutely! But children are rarely as intentionally naughty as their parents think - they're just acting their age.

Young children rarely misbehave purposely. Adults mistakingly read motives - that is, intent - into children's behavior that reflect adult thinking rather than childish thinking. Toddlers are highly impulsive little people, and the warners are simply overpowered by the desire to touch, hold and explore. [Your son] is a mad scientist using his hands, mouth and imperfect coordination to determine the properties of the marvelous world around him. Your real tasks as a parent are prevention, vigilance - and very quick reflexes.

A child's physical size and abilities have a strong influence on behavior. Take a moment and look at the world from your child's level. And then just imagine how frightening a yelling, pointing parent would look from down there. The best way to talk to a tiny person is to get down on their level and look them in the eye. Again putting yourself into their shoes, how would adults feel if everything they tried was just a little beyond their ability to succeed - and they were criticized for the efforts they made? Most would give up and possibly start misbehaving out of sheer frustration.

A child's concept of reality and fantasy are different from those of an adult. A young child experiments with his imagination to explore and learn. Fantasy may also be a way of getting in touch with feelings for which he doesn't yet have the words.

Patience is a virtue far beyond the reach of most young children. Time moves far more slowly for an eager child than it does for an adult. Yes, children need to learn patience eventually, but parents need to be patient long enough to let them learn.

The truth about boys and girls (generally - each child is unique): baby boys actually appear to be more fragile at birth than do baby girls and are more easily stressed and more susceptible to health problems. They are often "fussier" than girls; they cry more easily and seem to have a harder time calming themselves down. Baby boys may be more sensitive to change in routine and to parental anger or depression. As children grow into their toddler years, boys appear to be more impulsive; they learn self-control more slowly, are more physically active, and yes, tend to be more aggressive and competitive than little girls. Whether your child is a boy or a girl, it is important that you build strong face-to-face connection, with lots of talking, laughing and singing. Getting into your child's world and understanding his development (including the influence of gender) will help you teach, encourage, and comfort your own unique child.

Development or Misbehavior? As you have learned, one of the challenges in parenting a young child is understanding the difference between normal development and intentional misbehavior. You and your child will benefit greatly if you learn all you can about growth and development. It is also important that you know your own child well. And eventually, you must learn to trust your innate wisdom as a parent. No expert or book can give you all the answers.